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One of the things I've realized most with my stoned mind-wanderings is that I need to start playing clarinet again. I went for a couple years basically without playing and I'm absolutely out of shape in the face and sound like shit. But I have to start again and keep going because I was going to spend the rest of my life bitter and jealous. If clarinet is going to go out of my life it needs to be on my terms and not the result of crappy situations and my wounded pride. When I stopped trying to play I was upset and saw the clarinet being connected to my parents and my quitting a way of sticking it to them. Yeah, that's what I seriously thought. So I've been going around with a grudge against them - it's their fault I couldn't play music any more, look what they did to me. But now that Sami is studying at UCLA those feelings snowballed into more jealousy and pain (and it didn't help when her oboe professor insulted me for going to Sacramento State - thanks, asshole). All that quitting did for me, though, was give me an excuse to hold on to my resentment and jealousy, which was never going to go away as long as I wasn't playing. My parents don't care at all, because they think I'm a lost cause anyway, so I was just torturing myself. Yeah, I just realized this. As much as I like money and want to actually have a real weekly paycheck, I can't do something else (at least in substitution). I like everything about music - the endless practicing, hard critiques, horrendous competition, asshole conductors, whatever. And I continue to like it even though I cry nearly every day after practicing because I'm a perfectionist pussy and everything seems so hard. I'm going to have to get over everything, most of all my pride, and just do it. And it's really, really hard to get over pride. And all that jealousy too. Because I'd like to be able to attend one of Sami's concerts without having a nervous breakdown or something ridiculous.

On another note, after months of searching for a good fake version of my coveted handbags, I decided that I'm going to not break the law and just spend $250 omg only $168 on a cute bag without the prestige. Behold the Elliott Lucca Etoile satchel:

I think I want it in black patent leather. Yes yes yes, handbags heal my heart.

Nov. 28th, 2007

I don't understand how I can weigh the same and be a completely different size and shape. I need clothes so bad. So baaaad!!! And worst of all, during the past year, in which I haven't been able to even afford a cheap-ass Forever 21 shirt, I've lusted after the most expensive things. Because if I can't afford anything then everything is up for lusting after. And I was lying when I said I couldn't even afford cheap-ass clothes, because I've purchased about $100 of cheap-ass clothes in the past year, all of which show their price after a month or two of wearing. I might as well not spend money if I can't get clothes that last me at least until the next season. Oh friends, friends...My dreams of employment and money-making are on hold until after Christmas and after a few weeks settling in with my puppy. OMG DID YOU HEAR I'M GETTING A PUPPY FOR CHRISTMAS/LATE WEDDDING GIFT TIME????

OMG OMG OMG I seriously pee my pants every time I start thinking about it. No, not seriously, but if I was an exited little puppy I would be peeing.

Anyway, my point was that it pains me to be poor and in love with designer clothes. God. Damn. It.

BUT SERIOUSLY TOO A PUPPY OMG OMG OMG

Nov. 27th, 2007

So for the two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I was constantly nauseous and spent many days laying in bed feeling like crap. The nausea kicked off on the weekend that Casey's parents were down here, but I hosted my first grown-up dinner complete with hors d'oeuvres and marinated things which was supposed to make up for not spending actual Thanksgiving with him. I was short on patience but made it through everything fine. As soon as we hugged hello my mother in law walked straight through our living room, into the (dark) hallway, and opened up the (closed) bedroom door, turned on the light, and gave herself a tour. She's been here at least four or five other times and saw fit to check on the bedroom again. Casey warned me so no sex toys were out and about but I realized after chasing after her that my marijuana vaporizer was sitting out in the open. She even commented on the posters on the wall directly to the right of it. I don't know if she saw it or what but it certainly looks like paraphernalia of some illegal sort, complete with a sticky layer of marijuana stuff on the inside of the dome. I finally convinced her to leave our bedroom, which also happened to be full of the stuff from the living room I moved out to make more space (which made it look like I had atrocious cleaning habits in the bedroom). Later I was entertaining the adults with the xbox when we decided to show them some of the videos we can stream from Casey's computer. The xbox accesses the folder which holds all of Casey's videos, and for some reason Casey has it organized in a roundabout way, so I clicked the "Show all video" option. In the seconds it was loaded I remembered that the selection from the very top of the list starts with "__hot goth sex" and "00xxmultiple_orgazm," still sitting on Casey's computer since college. I pressed exit but the titles flashed on the screen as Casey's mom and uncle sat staring at the TV. Again, I have no idea if they noticed, but god damn Casey needs to get rid of those things or at least rename them so they don't show up all the time on our video list. Jesus fucking Christ.
And thus began the two weeks of nausea. I stopped eating and smoking for the most part, because getting high didn't help enough and then I'd just feel queasy AND high, which wasn't fun. On Thanksgiving I decided that I wanted to eat, god damn it, so for the first time in a month I took a little Effexor. It worked, I ate, and am still feeling alright, though I do have a persistent headache that has lasted since then. That getting high won't fix. Blah.
I broke up with my therapist on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Since starting the Effexor weaning since July I've, of course, smoked a lot of pot, listened to a lot of music, and have spent a lot of time thinking. Without the Effexor I started to react a lot more emotionally towards things that I encountered or thought about. I really think the pot helped me take this down time, scattered with lots of physical and emotional blah, and think about everything in a different way. I thought about all my anger, grudges, hurt, and fear and tried to honestly reflect on all the things that sparked those, why the other people acted like they did, and what I need to do. I've been keeping a lot of those negative feelings inside me, nurturing them, and really I haven't been honest with myself and reality. I'm really trying to open myself up emotionally and mentally and see things in a more thorough way, and by doing so I've made a lot of personal progress. Decisions that I've been trying to debate (and ignore) for many years are being solved as I lay in bed with a half-stoned, wandering mind. And I then I wonder why the hell I ever deluded myself into treating those things the way I have been. It's scary but for the first time in my life I feel like I've got the power and the competency to figure this stuff out. I've just been too scared and irrational in my narrow ways of thinking that I was stalling real progress. So I would definitely say that Tool and pot helped me so much more than that year of therapy I just did, which is funny, because I knew so many guys in high school who just smoked a lot of pot and listened to metal.

OMG and Casey's mom thought I was pregnant because I didn't drink or want to touch raw poultry. WTF I was so freaked out when she asked me. HOLY CRAP.

Oct. 28th, 2007

I think I have bronchitis. After my third night on the cough (too sick=too noisy of a sleeper), I am trying to decide if I should go to the doctor before or after the West Hollywood Halloween carnival. I'm pretty sure that if I go before, I'm just going to get sick again afterward, so unless my coughing gets more horrendous, I'm going to wait until November, when my cough shall certainly be impressive. Luckily I have had many opportunities in my life to practice working around coughs. I feel like I'm a kid again with this winter cough! Oh and the wind shifted and it is no longer smoky here, though until last night there OC fire was still going. Whatev, I'm more concerned about my home coming under attack of pantry moths.
I just have to say that after three nights and two days stuck inside, today I must venture outside. The smoky air permeated everything in my apartment and I am SICK. Listen, wind, it's bad enough that you took all of summer's pollen and crap and blew it around everywhere, but then you also had to blow obscene amounts of smoke my way too. Listen apartment, it's bad enough that you are not airtight, but I'M SICK now thanks to your poor construction. Yeah we don't have cold coming in but TOXIC SMOKE. THANKS A LOT. I have to go see my therapist today and I feel like shit. I can't sleep from the smoke, can't breathe from the smoke, can't DO ANYTHING.
And my Effexor is still making me really nauseous. My nose won't stop bleeding from the dry air. My car is covered in ash. The sky is orange still. I'M IN A PRETTY BAD MOOD.
So. I was going to go to the store today because we're like out of food but Casey ordered a new computer and I have to be here to receive it. We just bought a $500 server...for ourselves. IT IS A NECESSITY, OK.

Kitty was taken away on Saturday morning. After unexpected hard rain there was an issue with the cat box that led, of course, to our ongoing fight about the year of promises I've made to rid ourselves of the cat Casey hates so much. "Hairy black asshole" is what Casey called him. He was an awesome cat! I miss my kitty, but the rescue I got him from and returned him to said that he'd be easy to adopt again. Hopefully by someone without a cat-hating husband. I guess I can think of my two years with Mr. Kittyface as an extended fostering where he was treated well and hopefully became a nicer kitty.

My sister Sami finally started school at UCLA just last week. I went up and hung out with mah friend Kurt and her and went to Venice and then Sami and I drove to USC to pick up her boyfriend and his friend and then we all went to Hollywood. Everybody was like WE'RE GOIN TO HOLLYWOOD! Which included a long drive through Koreatown, where I've never been before. Hollywood is a lot nicer than it was 10 years ago. We had a delish dinner with all the beautiful people at a celebrity-frequented restaurant that was not The Ivy. Sami's boyfriend's friend ordered his gourmet burger WELL DONE. We were like WTF. Our waiter, who was to-die-for cute, laughed too. Dining really points out non-Californians. What is an artichoke? I've never had asparagus. I've never eaten a good bloody steak. I don't eat fish. Calamari is fried squid?! Serious, people, we have the best food ever. I am such a California snob. OMG when we were in Hollywood I could have sworn I saw a clarinet player I was in youth symphony with. He looked at me real funny too but I was driving. I left a message on his facebook but bitch hasn't written me back.

Oh and I have been listening almost exclusively to Tool. Of all the bands with songs about raping children, I like them best. Even though I feel stupid when listening to them because I have no idea how they write songs in the time signatures they do.

I've been thinking a lot about life, my friends. My new motto is Fuck em, which I might have mentioned before. I'm going to take charge of my life! I'm going to get myself an education and an easy job that pays a lot! I will work so that in 10 years I can have kids and a nice house and lots of nice stuff. And then my kids will actually have opportunities instead of relying on scholarships and they'll go to good schools that actually send students to good colleges. I'm afraid to wait more than 10 years to have kids because I'm terrified of having a deformed or retarded baby. I know I'm a bad person, but after 30 the chances get higher of having a retarded kid. Maybe I will be ready for kids in 10 years.

Oh and I think I may go on a cruise for my honeymoon. Casey refuses to travel unless he can relax and do nothing, and I refuse to travel without seeing the sights, so it is a good compromise. Now I just have to convince him that we should go on the luxury cruise to Antarctica.

Probably completely boring to most of you.

So it's my birthday and I went to Neiman Marcus at Fashion Island (which isn't an island, but a ritzy Newport Beach outdoor mall). They were having a 100-year anniversary event where you get a bag full of goodies for making a $200+ beauty purchase. And I needed new perfume!

OK, so my mom got me hooked on expensive perfumes because she used to work for a perfumer (?). Anyway, because I live in Orange County and am a fashion and style victim, I like lookin good, and I try to make it seem like you'd have no idea how much money I have to spend by just looking at me. I shop at H&M and Forever21 for cheap cheap clothes, and buy designer jeans at thrift stores in Santa Monica, and get a pair of the perfect Michael Kors shoes when they're on big, big sale. Perfume is expensive (I usually spend between $50-$100), but I can wear it every day for a long time, and it will always make me feel good. Expensive perfumes rely on natural ingredients which is why they're so expensive. Cheaper perfumes contain synthetic scents. The difference is that the natural ingredients last longer on the skin and evolve through the day but stay strong. A good perfume is mixed to smell best on the skin and not necessarily when you're sniffing the tester bottle. Cheaper perfumes don't last at all and their scent is noticeably synthetic to me. Oh what a nice, attainable luxury good perfume is!

I bought Tom Ford Black Orchid for myself, oh it's so sophisticated and sexy. I was planning on buying more but my saleswoman was like Nah you get the free gift anyway! I love nicer department stores like Nordstrom and Neiman's (my two favorites) because they're so nice to customers. So for $90 I got my perfume and a cool pewter handbag full of a bunch of different perfume samples and some Prada and Lancome beauty sample stuff.

Here is my birthday advice to you all: Go to a department store and get a nice perfume and wear it every day. Now you're fabulous, even if your shoes are cheap and your pants haven't been washed in forever and you're wearing a shirt your drunk friend left in your car 2 years ago.